


There Is No Why

by Harlequin_Faery



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Chloe is dead, F/M, Mental Hospital, Mental Illness, My trash son, i luv nate, past max x chloe, survivor's guilt, this is my trash ship dont judge me, tw suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-02-24 01:25:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13202739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harlequin_Faery/pseuds/Harlequin_Faery
Summary: Here we are… Trapped in the amber of this moment.  There is no why





	1. Purgatory

I felt a cold chill through my body. My eyes snapped open as a shrill shriek of lightening burst into my eardrums. I'm face down in the dark, wet mud, my hair and clothes getting more and more drenched as the rain falls down on me.

I stand up quickly, realizing where I am, looking up to see the lighthouse. Beside the towering lighthouse there it is, the storm, the twister that has always been pulling me in. From the start.

And I'm wearing it again, the outfit I was wearing the first day. I should burn all these clothes.

"Max!" I hear my name in the form of a terrified scream from a familiar voice. 

And suddenly she's there. Chloe.

She's flashes in and out of reality, calling out my name in fear. 

She looked different, her hair was blonde and long, is this another timeline? She was wearing a white dress but it was dirty, the mud and rainwater yellowing it. 

She flashed out again, settling at the cliff, in front of the bench and facing the storm. 

"Chloe!" I screamed, my throat burning. There was no use though, the storm was drowning even my thoughts out. 

I dug my feet into the mud, moving forward as fast as I could. Tears were streaming down my face now, they felt hot on my freezing cheeks. 

 

"Chloe! Are you alive?!" I screamed to her as I reached her. I realized that she was barefoot and her hands were clutching her abdomen. 

"Max?" She turned to me, her voice was shrill and echoed through my head.

"The storm, it's back! You have to step back!" I yelled at her but she didn't say a word. 

"Why'd you let me die?" She said quietly but I heard her. 

"Why didn't you save me?" She asked, removing her hands from her stomach and revealing a sea of red spilling out of her. 

"Chloe!" I screamed, reaching out to her, but she stepped back. 

She glanced at the storm and then looked back at me. "Look what you did, you've ruined everything." Blood spilled out of her mouth.

"No! Chloe!" I reeled in horror. 

She just laughed as I screamed, laughed with blood stained teeth and a mud soaked dress blowing in the wind. 

"Oh my god, Chloe." I sobbed.

 

***

 

I woke up with hot tears streaming down my face. I couldn't breathe, I coughed and tried to inhale frantically as I sat up. Once I caught my breath I held my knees to my chest, sobbing quietly into them.

I heard a quiet knock at my dorm room door.

"Max?" I heard Dana's soft voice through the door. 

I stood up quickly to answer the door, wiping the tears with my sleeve.

I opened the door timidly.

Dana stood at the door in a pink tank top and black pajama bottoms littered with pink cupcakes, and her hair was pulled back into a high ponytail. I wondered how someone could look so good in the middle of the night, although her eyes were still puffy like the rest of us mortals.

"Are you okay? I heard screaming..." She asked me somberly. 

I sniffed, suddenly embarrassed the state of my face, wiping my tears hurriedly. 

"Yeah, I'm sorry I woke you Dana, I was having a nightmare." I admitted. "I know it's really annoying to get woken up... if it happens again I might have to move out." 

"You don't have to do that Max, really, I'm sorry you're not feeling alright." She looked at me with pity. 

I tried to take in her words, to believe she understood but she couldn't, she had nothing to be sorry for. It was all my fault. I couldn't save anyone.

"Thanks Dana, it means a lot." I feigned a smile. 

"I'm here if you ever need me." She said genuinely, placing a hand on my shoulder gently.

 

I sat on my bed, flipping through my old journal, in this timeline it was mostly empty. Nothing had happened, and everything that did happen felt too horrible to write down in a diary and act like it was normal, like a boy smiled at me or like I bought a new dress. How could I write down in my journal that I killed my best friend? I let her die. I can't tell anyone, not even a book.

I looked to my bookshelf, maybe I could read some sad poetry until I dozed off again, but I only found my yearbook.

I knew I shouldn't look through it, it was stupid, looking through the past like this. 

Victoria Chase, she flashed a million dollar smile for the camera. She was disheveled as ever lately, wearing sweaters and yoga pants and leaving her pixie cut unstyled, things the old Victoria wouldn't be caught dead doing. I guess that's what happens when you find out your best friend murdered someone. 

Warren Graham, a childlike grin on his face, as always. He did his best to cheer me up in his own way. He understands that a movie and pizza won't fix this, so he's just there, he's always been there for me.

Kate Marsh, she's been her normal self lately, herself before everything. She plays her violin everyday, lends me her books sometimes, she came to Chloe's funeral. She said she prayed for me, said Chloe was in a better place now, I'm trying my best to believe her. But Chloe always seems like she's suffering in my dreams, but maybe she's with Rachel now.

Juliet Watson, she wrote a piece for Chloe in the school newspaper, in memory of her. She said that just because she didn't go to school here for long didn't mean she wasn't a part of us. 

Dana Ward, I could tell she actually cared about me, she's always been a good person. She cared about Kate during the week, and all I did was rewind time so she would think I was nicer than I was, that I was like her.

Nathan Prescott, of course he would scowl during a school photo. I heard he's in a state mental facility now, probably won't ever get out either. How could I be so stupid? Like Nathan could do all that stuff by himself? He was too impulsive, not calculating in the slightest. I actually felt bad. I knew something was wrong, but it was just easier to accept that he was the bad guy and I was a good guy, and I was gonna make it all right with my powers.

And there I was, Maxine Caulfield, with a small smirk on my face, god forbid I smile normally for my school picture. No, I'm too cool for that, too coy, too pretentious. I can practically see the naivety in my eyes, I feel like I was so much younger, but I wasn't. It was a few months ago, how could my entire life be ruined in a week?

 

I woke up still feeling exhausted, with my yearbook still on my bed. The sunlight drifting through the window was blue and cold, it was 8am. I slipped out of the warm embrace of my blankets, feeling a cold shiver up my spine. It was January now, and it was making itself known. I spent winter break in my dorm, told my parents I had a lot of studying to do. I felt bad lying to them, but I was afraid if I saw them I might just tell them everything.

I grabbed my toiletries and headed for the showers, slipping on my flip flops on the way out of my room.

I brushed my teeth, I could barely look at myself in the mirror. I looked so pale and gaunt, the dark circles under my eyes made me look even more dead than I felt. My bob had grown out, I had to pin back my bangs most days to get them out of my eyes because they were so long, the end of my hair reached my shoulders.

I thought maybe I should dye some of it blue, for Chloe. But it just wasn't me, maybe pink or black, but blue… Blue was Chloe.

I took a quick shower, scrubbing my skin hard, I could still feel the mud from my dream, underneath my fingernails and in my hair.

_Cleanliness is next to godliness._

Once upon a time I was a time god, or maybe god gave me the power just so he could see how badly I could fuck everything up.

I sighed, drying off and putting on some fresh clothes. A black hoodie over a plain grey tee shirt, with some dark blue jeans. I never wore my grey hoodie anymore, all of my old clothes were hardly touched. I would never wear the doe tee again, just looking at it made my stomach turn.

 

My classes droned on and on, I memorized just enough to ace the tests, it's amazing how high I can keep my grades when I don't socialize at all. I couldn't talk to anyone without thinking about how I almost got them all killed, I sometimes think I should've let them all die, if it meant getting Chloe back. I should've burned that picture, I should've gone with Chloe to L.A. and never looked back to this hellhole of a town. Ah yes, school was slowly killing me, or maybe I was killing myself. But I still enjoyed taking pictures, he couldn't take that away from me.

 

The worst part about finally getting straight A's is that every adult around me suddenly has the highest expectations of me. It doesn't matter, every time they talk about college I just tune out. It's funny, the better my grades get the farther some hot shot art university feels. 

 

Before I knew it, the school day was over and I was on my way back to my dorm. After homework it was back to bed for me, my current hiding place as of late.

"Oh, hey Max."

I snapped out of my daze to see Kate standing in front of me, clutching a book in her hands, with a small smile on her face.

"Hey Kate, what's up?" I ask her politely.

"Of Mice and Men," She referenced to the book in her hands. "it's actually really good, even if I'm reading it for an assignment." She chuckled, tucking her a strand of hair behind her ear. Her long, blonde hair that was usually in a bun now fell on her shoulders.

"Yeah… I've heard good things about it." I replied, trying to sound interested.

"Are you okay Max? You don't look so good." She asked me, her brow furrowed with concern.

"Yeah," I gave her a small smile. "I'm just wiped, I didn't get much sleep last night." I shrugged.

"I feel that, Mrs. Grant's class is pretty intense this semester." She chuckled.

"Yeah, I regret ever raising my grades, now her expectations are through the roof." I joked. "Anyways, I've got a lot of homework to do, see ya Kate." I waved goodbye to her as I headed towards my dorm again.

"Bye, Max."

 

I sighed as soon as I got into my room, I was actually relieved Kate didn't invite me to another tea session. I couldn't take the guilt anymore of saying no, I know I would just be a bummer anyways, it was better this way. No one deserved my stupid, sad, self ruining everything. Oh how I miss the days when I could just get by, when I could just watch dumb sci-fi movies with Warren, when I could drink tea with Kate without thinking of her body hitting concrete, when I could have stupid insult battles with Victoria. Now all Victoria and I do is exchange sad looks.

I sighed. Oh Max, Nostalgia is so 2010. I thought to myself, allowing a small smile.

I dare not think about my week of heaven with Chloe, even though it was so hellish, it's the closest I'll ever get. All those moments with her were the only piece of paradise I'll ever get, and now I'm in purgatory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this probably sucks but so does everything else i write so like... eh
> 
> hope u guys like it tho <3 comment if u do


	2. Ink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw slur, slight self harm? idk

"Maxine, your teachers have been saying you seem withdrawn lately, they're worried about you." Mrs. Perez said. I felt smaller than ever in the chair across from her desk, at least with Principal Wells I no longer took him seriously, I saw through everything he tried to preach to me.

"Max."

"Pardon?"

"I prefer to be called Max." I explained, probably for the 600th time in my life.

"Oh, alright, Max." She clarified. "Well as I was saying, I know you were childhood best friends with Chloe Price, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you." She looked at me with…Pity? Sympathy? It's hard to tell the difference these days. 'She can't imagine.' I wonder what she would say if I told her the truth. She would probably just lock me up and throw away the key, as to ease her mind.

Mrs. Perez was the new guidance counselor that was appointed after what happened, sometimes I think it was just Principal Wells just shifting responsibility, other times I wonder why we didn't have a counselor before.

She was a nice enough woman, with olive skin and slightly graying, black hair, she looked in her late 30s. She was a little out of her depth though, it was plain enough to see she was struggling to grasp the situation even months later.

"You are obviously having trouble coping Max. I know this was hard on you but you can talk to me any time." She assured me.

I couldn't help being irritated. "I just don't understand what the issue is, my grades are higher than they've ever been in my life." I said, it was true, Chloe was always the brains, and the brawn… What was I exactly?

"Throwing yourself into your work isn't the best coping mechanism, Max." She retorted.

"I'm at this school for a reason, I'm trying to focus on my photography career."

"Well, that's good Max, but you must have a balance in your life." She urged me, but there was no use, indulged my selfish wants enough for a lifetime.  My power knocked my life out of balance forever.

But still, authority figures have to feel like you're doing what they say, even if you couldn't care less. "I will try to show more interest in class, but I've always been quiet, don’t expect that to change." I scoffed.

Still, she smiled at me. "As long as you're trying, I'm happy, Max." _Yes, and your happiness is the most important thing in my life._ I couldn't help but think, it was so easy to be mean lately. "Now get to class."

 

They took all of his pictures down after it happened, they dare not speak of this 'inexcusable misstep'.

I sat down at my usual spot in the photography classroom, the substitute hadn't started the lesson yet. We went through substitutes like candy lately, I could barely learn their names anymore.

_I mean who could replace the great Mark Jefferson? No one could match his sociopathy, it was truly inspired._

_Stop thinking. Just stop and listen to the lecture._ I told myself. I needed to focus.

The shrill ring of the bell almost hurt my ears, sometimes I've made myself so quiet lately, that everything else became so much louder.

The substitute started the lecture, his voice was slightly monotone, almost grating. I started to copy down his words, trying desperately to absorb it.

**_'Always take the shot.'_ **

I felt myself shiver with disgust, will I ever be able to get him out of my head? His disgusting, slimy voice. I can still smell the bunker, too clean and plastic, with a hint of coffee brewing. Coffee makes me gag now.

**_'I could frame any one of you in a dark corner, and capture you in a moment of desperation.'_ **

I willed myself to focus, to drive that evil prick out of my mind. I gripped my pen tight, straining my hand as I wrote quickly, it felt faster than he spoke. My knuckles turned white as he droned on about lighting.

**_'The slightly unconscious model is often the most open and honest. No vanity or posing, just... pure expression.'_ **

I snapped the pen. The blue ink and plastic shards in my small hand, my notes were ruined. I put my head in my hands, almost pulling my hair by squeezing by fingers in my hair before rubbing my temples.

 **_'Oh... That struck a nerve; your face changed color... Beautiful_ ** _.'_

 _Shut up. Shut up_. Full on pulling my hair now, looking down on the pool of ink on my notebook, a few tears fell on it before I realized I was crying. 

**_'Start listening to me, you dumb cunt!'_ **

"Shut up!" I almost screamed.

Back to reality, everyone's staring at me. Besides my outburst I can feel and smell the ink on my face. All these pairs of eyes, I feel naked, I feel disgusting, like they all know what happened to me. The bell rings, thank god, I run out before the substitute can stop me.

 

_Back to my room. Walk faster, so no one stops you. Don’t make eye contact._

"Hey! Mad Max, what's up?" Warren, of course.

"I'm sorry Warren, I'm really sick, I have to go." I prayed he didn't see the tears on my cheeks but he had to see the blue ink. _What was he thinking?_ He looked the same, a picture of cute-dorky-teenage-boydom. All messy hair, ironic t-shirts and lopsided smiles. Although today he sported a plain light blue tee and a worried frown, caused by me.

"It's okay, just take it easy, Max you should just relax, maybe take a day off tomorrow?" He gave me a small smile, rubbing the side of my upper arm, a friendly gesture.

I nodded, desperately trying to stop my eyes from filling up again. "Thanks, Warren."

On the way back to my room I thought about him, was he still secretly pining for me? Waiting for his moment? I used to think I could possibly end up with Warren, like in movies when the guy for her was under her nose all along! Warren is almost too sweet, like give you cavities, spend all day at the dentist, and come home with a mouth full of cotton sweet. He deserves someone just as sweet, just as nice, and considerate, not an absolute coward like me. Besides, I doubt I will be able to be in any type of relationship anytime soon, just thinking about it makes my chest tighten and my hands shaky. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to sleep, intimacy horrifies me lately. It's not even just sex that I'm afraid of, sometimes someone's hand will just brush against mine and I'll flinch hard. It makes my skin crawl, someone touching me. Dana hugged me a couple weeks ago but I tensed up so much she just squeaked out an apology and hasn't touched me since. I feel horrible sometimes, everyone's walking on eggshells for me, like I'm a time bomb just waiting to go off. Some people are just confused, I hadn't talked to Chloe in 5 years in this timeline, they don't know what the big deal is, I should've gotten over it by now.

Back to my room, I can't breathe, I can't keep pretending everything will be okay. Nothing will ever be okay for me again. I slump down against my door, the cold air only makes it halfway down my chest, it tightens up too much for me to breathe deeply. I looked at the blue ink stains on my hands, blue like Chloe, like the universe is reminding me I'm a murderer. 

 ** _'I had enough of those faux-punk sluts in my Seattle days.'_** "

"Goddammit, shut up!" I slammed my head against the door. It didn't hurt too bad but enough to satisfy the feeling of control. He can't hurt me, only I can. It's fucked up but it made me feel a little better in that moment.

I thought I had contained The Dark Room to my nightmares, but it had clawed its way to my waking moments to terrorize me. I'm never safe, how can I be safe from memories? I can't rest, I can't close my eyes, and now I can't even exist. He's everywhere. They can take the posters down all they want but it won't change anything. They still acted like he was a fucking god and enabled him and Nathan to do whatever they wanted. I even… really liked him. I trusted him. He took advantage of that, he had every opportunity to hurt me, and he took one of them. But I thought it was Nathan, because it was easy to blame him. I told Victoria. It got them both killed. It got Chloe killed. I got them killed. I can't breathe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so short and I haven't updated in so long :( ily
> 
> hope u like it anyway <3


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